


What I Want

by hutchabelle



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Jealousy, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Psychological Torture, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 16:27:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14622576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hutchabelle/pseuds/hutchabelle
Summary: Johanna explains why she dislikes Katniss so much.





	What I Want

**Author's Note:**

> This drabble was written for d12drabbles, prompt 20--Jealousy.

I hate her.

 

It’s not her fault; logically, I know this, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to smack her for surviving the war with some semblance of happiness. I know she’s suffered. So, did Peeta. But then again, so did Annie. So did I.

 

A lot was placed on her shoulders, and she didn’t want any of it. Tough shit, I say. I didn’t want any of it either. Neither did Finnick or Haymitch or Mags or anyone else that fought in the Games who didn’t volunteer. At least Katniss chose to participate. It was to save her sister. I know that, but she had a choice that I didn’t. No one stepped up to take my place.

 

I wanted Snow’s regime toppled, but it still infuriated me when the rebels sacrificed everyone else to get to Katniss, their precious Mockingjay. Peeta and I were left behind, and we were punished for not being her. Any of us Victors have been tortured mentally. Being forced into an arena to kill other human beings simply to stay alive is horrible in and of itself. There’s no denying that. I know she wakes screaming from nightmares every night unless Peeta is there to comfort her. At least there’s someone there to do that for her.

 

No, what her devoted companion and I went through was more than the horrendousness of the Games. He was hijacked, beaten, stripped of his very self, and programed to kill the only person left that he loved. I was submerged in water while an electric current almost killed me—repeatedly. Acts I can’t even speak about were done to me in those locked cells—inhumane, disgusting, sick things. Poor Katniss had to wonder whether or not the guy she couldn’t admit she loved was taken from her. That must have been awful for her.

 

No one cares about me now. I used to have a family, a man who loved me, a sister… Snow took them all from me because I refused to play nice. I didn’t know what “playing nice” meant until it was too late and they were gone.

 

But Katniss. Somehow she manages to rise above it all. Even with the hell we’ve all endured she survived the war better than the rest of us. She had a home to go back to, a mentor who did the best he could almost to his own detriment, and a living parent. She has Peeta, who fought his way back from the brink of hell to be there for her. She could have had a best friend if she hadn’t forced him out of her life for something he may or may not have done. Even that mangy cat of her sister’s made his way back to her.

 

I lost a sister too. I can barely breathe when I remember her. I lost the man I loved. I can’t sleep at night either. I was tortured. None of that is what I want, but it’s what I have.


End file.
